Quick, to the slutcave!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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