I want to walk on stilts...naked
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
