he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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