The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
