Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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