i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
