i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We were destined to go to rehab together
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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