I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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