why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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