nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
