For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
