he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
