Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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