I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize