Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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