he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
