i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
