well I can't set my house on fire every night
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
