i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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