im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
