I CAN MOONWALK!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
