I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
