I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
