How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
