Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
