I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
