i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
