connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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