ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
