So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
