I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
love makes seman taste better
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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