My Higher Power is John Stamos
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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