Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
