best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We left the knife in your bed.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
