: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
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I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.