The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)