Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
