Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
