I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
