3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
