hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
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being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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