Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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