Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
