it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
