Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i believe in u and ur pee
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