I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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