He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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