someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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