pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
