mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
