i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
