She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
