Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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