who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
