just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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