My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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